I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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