Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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