We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
