Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
