I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
