You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
