I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
