I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
