i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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