I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
