if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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