i wish starbucks made bloody marys
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
