My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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