I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
