my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
