she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
