plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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