I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
