I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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