Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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