That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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