its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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