well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
