is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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