I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
