Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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