Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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