Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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