Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
