If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
