i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
