Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize