I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
