Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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