giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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