ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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