What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
