he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
