My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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