6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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