he puts the penis in happiness.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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