I cannot find my penis.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
