$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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