When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
