I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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