Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
