I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
