can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
