i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
