the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
