I got chris browned last night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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