Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
