I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
be right there i have to get my cape
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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