The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
