It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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