My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
