my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
