hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
